|
 |
Suzi DeMara is the director of Care Net of Lehighton.
Email questions to: Dear Suzi
or
write to:
Dear Suzi
Care Net of Lehighton
531 Mahoning St,.
Lehighton PA 18235
teen@carenetcarbon.org
610-379-0411 |
|
Dear Suzi,
My wife and I have been together since she's been 20 and I've been 17, and we have two good kids, ages 14 and 11. I get so frustrated at times when I try to help her with the housework because she works full- time and goes to school full-time, but I and the kids can never do anything good enough by her standards and she ends up doing it over again.
We want to help her but she won't let us, and then calls us lazy and uncaring! We have many arguments over this. I feel so useless that I basically feel like giving up even trying, and sometimes the fighting leads to saying things that never should be said! What in the world should we do?
Signed,
Mr. Not Good Enough
One of our counselors here at Care Net has some personal experience with this subject. I am going to let her answer your question more completely.
Dear Mr. Not,
It's very thoughtful of you to want to alleviate some of your wife's burdens. There are some spouses who either are oblivious to or couldn't care less what their mates' needs are, or that they might be overwhelmed with responsibilities and could use some help. Not only are you aware of her needs, it's evident that you also care about her.
It sounds like your wife might have some obsessive compulsive issues. What the counseling profession has recognized is that obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), in many instances, come from a loss of control during a prior traumatic event or period in a person's life. Perhaps something like this has happened to your wife in the past, which could lead you to be more understanding and sympathetic to her emotions and rationalizations—or irrationalizations.
|
In order for the OCD person to make sure that what they experienced will NEVER happen again, they go on a quest to fulfill their need to have control over their circumstances. Sadly, this usually saps much of their physical and emotional energies, causes friction with family members, and may lead to low self-esteem issues for everyone in the household, as follows:
- Your wife, because she's trying to be "perfect". This must lead to failure, because perfection is a state no one is capable of attaining,
- You might feel that you are not the right partner for her and lose confidence in your abilities, and
- The children, especially since their minds and personalities are still forming, could be stymied by a belief that they will never be "good enough"—and this belief could stay with them throughout their teen years and even into their adult lives, adversely affecting their own marriages and children, as well.
What I have suggested to offended parties who sought advice in the past is first to try and meet of their partner's need for control in the ways that they are able to. "Pick your battles" because you want to "win the war." By "winning the war", I mean nurturing your marriage and making the family dynamics the best they can be! Some examples would be for you and the children to fold the towels, hang the clothes, and vacuum the house in the exact way she instructs, since this course of action will cause none of you any harm and may satisfy her need for order, which, in turn, will generate emotional peace and stability for her. In fact, it could actually give you and the children a sense of accomplishment and pride in your work, and the overall good feeling of being able to help your wife and their mother.
|
