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Suzi DeMara is the director of Care Net of Lehighton.
Email questions to: Dear Suzi
or
write to:
Dear Suzi
Care Net of Lehighton
531 Mahoning St,.
Lehighton PA 18235
teen@carenetcarbon.org
610-379-0411 |
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Dear Suzi,
I just don't love my wife any more! I've tried and tried, and I'm sick of trying to make this marriage work. Our kids are older now and I think they'll be able to weather a divorce. I'm sure they're sick of hearing our fights too! What do you think? Should I just give my love to someone who deserves it?
Signed,
Lost that Loving Feeling
Dear "Lost That Loving Feeling",
What I hear you saying is that you want a divorce because you don't love your wife any more. Let's look at what love is and isn't. It's not a rush of feelings. It's a commitment. And it's not something you "fall into"—it's a choice! It's not about personal happiness—it's about working in partnership together. It's not about getting "my needs met"—it's about sacrificing to meet the needs of your spouse. It's not about getting respect—it's about giving respect.
Until you've done this, all of this, you can't give up. You've obviously made it through many years ("our kids are older now") and have developed a history together. If you give up and get out now, you'll be missing out on something awesome in the future. Even though you don't "feel in love with her", you can still do and say things to light the dying embers of your marriage. If you make the sacrifice to do this, you may find that the feelings of love have been rekindled!
I know this may not be the answer you wanted to hear, but I think that in your manly heart you don't want to give up until you've done absolutely everything to make it work. Plus, no matter how old your kids are, divorce will negatively affect them. There's simply no getting around that. Or, if you are looking forward to perhaps developing a new relationship with someone else, remember—the grass is RARELY greener on the other side. I have some things to share that may help you make this marriage work again.
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So here goes…
Become a student of your wife! In other words, study her, and find out what makes her feel loved. Is it:
- Words of Encouragement?
- Physical Touch?
- Quality Time?
- Acts of Service?
- Gift Giving?
According to The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, we all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled. We usually have one primary love language that makes us feel loved, but she may even have two. Study her and find out, or even ask her what makes her feel loved—then take the time to fill her "love tank" daily. You could even talk to her about whether or not she feels her love tank is filled.
As you make the sacrifice daily to love your wife, you will find that you are developing other character traits like patience, endurance, and loyalty. Selfishness is something we all deal with, and you will be working on overcoming that evil on a daily basis. Your kids will see and notice it. And what this will contribute to the growth of their character is beyond any material gift you could ever give them. Also think about, and even say out loud, "I've made vows for life and I intend to keep them—for better or worse." Your kids will come to respect you more and you will come to respect yourself more, too.
When we follow through on our commitments, no matter how hard to do, we are showing real strength and maturity. You'll be becoming a better person. Your kids will see you as a rock in your family. And your kids need a rock!
Be sure to get a male mentor or friend who will keep encouraging you to move forward and to take the hard path in restoring your marriage. You're a man, you were designed for hard stuff, and you can do this! Remember, nothing is worthwhile without a sacrifice!
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