Dear Suzi,

I really really want to have a baby. I'm in high school, but I know that I will be a wonderful mother. I don't understand why my mom yells at me when I tell her what I want. She is so negative. She wants me to go to college—but I'm sick and tired of school work. I have no desire to go! What should I tell her? I know you love babies too!

I Want to Be a Mommy

I've asked Marie Courtney, one of our counselors here at Care Net to answer this:

Dear Want to Be...,

A good thing about what you told me is that as a young female you have come to realize that your body has the awesome ability to produce a new little human being. Having a positive attitude about being a mother is wholesome.

It is not uncommon for little girls to "love their baby dolls." But, little girls grow up and so does their understanding of the big responsibility it is to take care of a child.

And now here you are, grown up enough to conceive a child, while your body, mind and emotions are still growing toward young adulthood. You did not mention what year of high school you are in, but even if you are a senior, you still have a few years before your brain reaches the maturity of young adulthood.

Your teen years will be filled with many opportunities to make decisions that will affect your life as a woman and as a mother. Making healthy choices for your body now will have a good effect on any future children. Learning to stick to and complete a task (especially the ones you don't like, such as going to school and doing homework) will help you develop the discipline and perseverance that are necessary for taking care of the daily needs of a young child.

Also, learning how to relate to and deal with classmates, friends, boys, and even Mom will help you to develop relationship skills that foster understanding, empathy, and conflict resolution with any big or little people in your life. Learning how to have and be a friend is a task best learned before becoming a parent. This is your season of life to learn about yourself and how to relate to those around you in a healthy realistic way.

Speaking of your mom, her yelling at you probably has a lot to do with fear. When mom's little girl becomes big enough to make some super-big decisions on her own—it can be very scary.

It is a common reaction for parents to yell when they don't know what to do about preventing a dangerous situation. Your mom can see consequences for particular actions that you may not see. Such as, your mom knows that you need more than a high school diploma to become financially independent.

She doesn't want you to put yourself in the difficult situation of many teen moms living at poverty level because they lack job skills. If you don't want to go to college at least consider a job-training school. The more you can provide for yourself, the more you will be prepared to provide for a baby.

Your mother knows the many stresses and sacrifices it takes to be a good mom—after all, you were her baby! Her worry is not without any basis, although it sounds like mom could use some soothing counsel herself. Don't give up on her as a place to receive some motherly love and comfort. If she is not too afraid that you will hastily act on your feelings, you may be able to share your feelings with her and get to the root of why you so much want a baby at this time in your life.

Besides looking into the emotional aspects of your desire for a baby, there are some actions you could take to channel your desire in a wholesome way. If you really like being with babies, get some training in child care. You are definitely old enough for babysitter training, and there are many mothers of preschoolers in your community who would welcome the assistance a "mother's helper" can give. Help out at a community or church children's program. Also, your school may have a course about child development.

I hope you hold onto your good desire and wait for the right time and right person to fulfill it. In the meantime, may your mind and character grow as you learn more about who you are. You as a person, as a woman, is the foundation upon which you as a mother will rest.

Marie

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Thank you, Marie, for your wise advice. The number one indicator of poverty in this country isn't where you live or what race you are—it's being a single mom. The most important aspect of a child's emotional security is having both, a mother and a father in a committed, permanent marriage relationship. That is the best thing you can provide for your baby. So wait, and become Mrs. Right and take your time in finding Mr. Right.

Suzi