Dear Suzi,

I’m torn apart! I don’t know what to do! I’m living with my girlfriend of 1-½ years and her sweet baby. I love them both with all my heart and have been working hard to provide for them. We both had high expectations about marriage and we both know that love and faithfulness are important to making a lifelong commitment. We moved in together to make sure we were compatible before we got married. Now we are constantly arguing and fighting. Our relationship is a nightmare of negativity. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when I come “home.” She constantly criticizes or belittles my opinions and feelings. Our relationship is so unstable and I’m thinking of moving out. I really don’t know what to do.

“Torn Apart”

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Dear “Torn Apart”,

Your situation unfortunately is a common problem nowadays. Living together sounds like it would be a good idea but it turns out to be associated with the source of most problems in a relationship. It is a dangerous gamble for couples, especially those who hope to have a successful marriage some day. Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced than those couples who don’t. Only 35% of cohabitating couples stay together until their children turn 16 compared with 70% of married couples.

Cohabitating relationships are fragile. They are more likely to break up than marriages started at the same time. Both men and women are more likely to cheat on their partner than married people. Also cohabitants are more likely to suffer from depression than those who are married. As for finances – statistically, cohabitating people make less money than married couples.

In light of what you’re experiencing and what today’s researchers are finding out, I am going to recommend that you move out. But I’m also going to recommend that your girlfriend and baby are adequately taken care of.

I suggest that you say something like this to her. “Honey, I really love you and the baby. Because I care about you so much, I need to move out. I will not abandon you financially but I now know that “test driving” our relationship has caused more instability and created a loss of trust and communication and respect in our relationship. We know that living together is not working. I still want a great marriage some day. I think we need to live apart and go to counseling to see if we can have a future together. Would you be willing to commit to counseling?”

If you and your girlfriend get involved in counseling, it will help you to evaluate if this relationship can work and if you both are willing and ready to work in partnership together.

Don’t give up your dream of marriage. The evidence from four decades of research is surprisingly clear – “a good marriage is both men’s and women’s best bet for living a long and healthy life,” explain Linda Waite and researcher Maggie Gallagher. Leading social scientist James Q. Wilson also explains: “Married people are happier than unmarried ones of the same age, not only in the U.S., but in at least 17 other countries where similar inquiries have been made. And there seem to be good reasons for that happiness. People who are married not only have higher incomes and enjoy greater emotional support, they tend to be healthier. Married people live longer than unmarried ones, not only the U.S. but abroad.”

So, in conclusion, for not only your future health and happiness but also your girlfriend’s and baby’s, move out and make the investment of time and money to get counseling on how to prepare to have a marriage and relationship that will last a lifetime. It will pay huge dividends!

Suzi

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Editor's note:

Suzi certainly has a point of view.
Do you—Agree? Disagree?

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