Dear Suzi,

Recently my fiancé and I had a full-blown argument. It was so stupid! He accused me of looking at another guy. It made me so angry that I verbally and emotionally abused him as a human being. I didn’t mean to do this, but I just couldn’t stop! How can I make sure I NEVER do this to anyone again?

I’m Angry?

Dear “I’m Angry!”

I’m so glad you brought up this anger issue because Care Net’s Anger Management Class facilitator just happens to be here, and she will be happy to answer your question.

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First of all, anger is a complicated emotion which we all experience, but it is only the secondary emotion. We need to get at the root, or cause, of the anger, which is called the “primary emotion,” such as fear, loneliness, jealousy, etc. Once we get to the bottom of what’s really bothering us, then at least we have a chance to change it. The next step is practicing how to handle your anger and where to channel it.

There are good reasons to be angry, such as injustice, abuse, and prejudice, but most other anger is destructive and something we hold onto much too long. To be as angry as you are takes a lot of build-up over time, so you need to examine as far back in your past as you can remember. Look at instances that hurt you and/or made you angry. List them on a piece of paper, and beside each instance write down how you felt at the time and why, as far as you can figure out. This may help you discover what is really bothering you and give you a starting point to work with. But this is only the starting point. You may need counseling or other resources to help you move forward.

I suggest going to a bookstore or online to find anger- and forgiveness-related self-help workbooks, or call us here at the center and we will be happy to gather materials for you. We have many resources at Care Net that could help you be the beautiful, caring, loving person that you truly want to be. If you can’t make it in to the center, I will give you a couple of books for you to get started with:

1. Overcoming Emotions that Destroy
2. Shame-Free Parenting
3. Anger: Our Master or Our Servant

Your journey of self-discovery and anger control will take time and energy, so be patient with yourself and ask others to be patient with you. In the end, when your anger no longer leaves a trail of hurt people, broken relationships, and destruction behind, it will all be worth it. and you will be happy with who you are.

Cheryl

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Now that you have read Cheryl’s advice be sure to sit down and talk to your fiancé when it is a good time for him. Express how you feel about exploding all over him, without pointing the finger at him. Use sentences that begin with “I feel” or “I think” so he won’t feel put down or defensive. Good luck in your relationship and we will be praying for you.

Suzi